Hitting Below the Belt

An issue of National Enquirer caught my eye while I was going through the checkout at Target. I have seen some really outlandish stories in NE, many terrible stories about recently dead celebrities of this caliber. But I found this appalling. Cosby has always been a jerk. Actors who worked with him on The Cosby show were open about how terrible he treated everyone, especially his female co-stars. He betrayed our childhood trust and hurt many women. Countless generations cannot laugh at his jokes without feeling bad.

However, accusing him of murdering his own son for a juicy story is pure evil. I do not believe in evil but it is the only word to describe it. Ennis was Cosby's only son and he was gunned down in a failed robbery. Ennis was a good boy who was done in by someone who was making the young black community look bad. Worse, the National Enquirer was the one that offered a reward for the capture of the killer who was caught.

Throughout the years if you look at Cosby's political stances and his comments about the young black community, you can hear the pain and anger in his voice. You can see it in his eyes. He is still hurting for what happened to his son. The killer confessing in 2002 might have brought him some solace but it seems like it is still a fresh wound for him. Pinning the murder on him without solid proof is a terrible thing to do despite Cosby's crimes. Honestly, I did not expect such cruel overkill even from National Enquirer. Punish him for what he has done but hug him for the pain of losing a child to murder. Cosby is at the end of his life. Leave him to his sins.

This Game is Not a Game

I had a dream last night that election day was today and I only got about 200 votes because I did not have time to get my name out. It disappointed me but I told myself I would try again and get elected for another position like district representative, although I do not know if I would do best in that position. But my neighbor told me that one guy has ran for representative for over a decade and never made it, so that's disheartening. My talent is fixing the big problems with Baltimore. My community is relatively safe and tight-knit due to our diligence with keeping it so. We have community meetings and people who get stuff done when the need arises. We only have a few problems including the homeless guys at the corner of major streets and people coming into our neighborhood to cause trouble. I have to remember that this is mainly a social experiment and there is very little chance I will even make it past the primaries.

Keeping out of arguments that do not involve the city is hard. I unfriend people I cannot get along with on my Facebook. Yesterday I unfriended a guy who thought his military service allowed him to be an immature bigot (is there an equivalent word for jarhead but for being of the army?). Most of the stuff he said was controversial but nothing I felt a great desire to contest. He shared a post with a shirt that said "#AllLivesMatter except pedophiles, murderers, terrorists, etc. F*** those guys!" So, he was gone.

I cannot stop my friends from having friends who are ignorant and loud. There are a surprising amount of them in the comments of my most level headed and educated friends. Kudos to them for being able to put up with them voluntarily. Those kind of people trigger a lot of stress for me.

Politics and Distopias

Why have I had such a hiatus with my blog? I guess I just forgot about it. We went back to our hometown last weekend for my mother and father in law's birthday. I bought him a copy of In God We Trust: All Others Pay Cash. I think he will be able to relate to it and find some humor in it. My mom wanted a gift card and that is exactly what she got. Easy peasy.

We watched The Giver. It was not terrible but I could go on and on about how it is different than the book and how the book is better. The end of the movie reflects the end of the book but makes it a completely happy ending, fun for all. That is not what happens in the book. Although people can interpret the ending two ways, Jonas and Gabriel survive or they freeze to death, I do not think that is true. Elsewhere does not exist and there would not be any civilizations close enough to know about them or they would have outsiders coming in and out whenever they liked. They might even have been conquered. That is how society works. My mother in law and I were arguing about that. She read the book once so she could watch the movie. I read it in 5th grade, hated it, picked it back up in middle school, and have not put it down since. I know what I am talking about.

Release me from my mortal body you sexy Swed!

Alexander Skarsgård plays the father though, who works at the Nurturing Center and "releases" people, so he sort of like an executioner. Bad casting people, no sexy guys for death men! This is not a gothic BDSM film! Why is this sexy man always in charge of death and pointy things? What's next? Is he going to be an unmasked Pyramid Head in the next Silent Hill movie? Pretty please?


Big news: I am running for mayor of Baltimore City. Yes, I am serious. I do not think I will win, but I am trying my best. It has gotten my butt in gear for the political issues book. I wanted to write something on the federal level but it was not working out. Starting at the local level is much easier. I have a lot of great ideas and ways of making them possible. I have also asked other residents of the city what they would like in a candidate. Many of the issues important to them are part of my platform. I have a ton of issues on my platform but I have a lot I want to do. Perhaps if I put them in order of most important to back burner in the platform, it will be easier to read.

The days have gotten cooler so we turned off the air conditioner and opened a few windows. We also put the comforter on the bed for extra warmth at night. It likes to slide off the bed so I have to tuck it in some way.

Today is the first day in a few that I have felt like staying productive. I hate days like those and they are going to ruin me someday. I am trying to awake between 5:30 and 6am so I can get an early start on the day, even if I need time to wake up. Then I need to start working on my 1pm-3pm exhaustion lull.

A Worst Threat Than ISIS

I was too emotionally drained and distracted to make a post yesterday. Mikey had off yesterday and today so we had to share office space. I need to get more done but luckily we do not have to leave for our in laws until about 3pm. I might not even talk to Mikey until then so I can get all my paperwork and writing done.

We let Magdalene go but I was able to pet the back of her before going inside. She was out of sight within a few hours. Bye bye Maggie, you fiesty bi-yotch.

I should start doing "Teen Mom" posts on Fridays since I watch the show so adamantly. I do not get to see it until Friday mid morning though since I do not have cable so MTV has to upload it. Even then the video might not load well depending on our internet that day. It gives me time to read the comments, most of which are so ignorant it is hilarious. It is sad that reality show stars get so much money for their appearances but I can laugh and point at the trash in the comments who do not get paid anything. They gain nothing from their ignorance and troll behavior.

Speaking of troll behavior, I wrote a comment on a YouTuber's video whom I knew had a shitty subscriber base. It was a nice comment and I still got someone calling me a fatass wasting my life. People online suck sometimes. Mikey and I were watching a video series (this is one of the reasons I was so emotionally drained) on why trolls are the way they are and Gamergate type people. Usually I would say that understanding them is the key to solving an issue, but Gamergate and other anti-feminism in video games movements involve death threats and harassment to the point where the victim has to go into hiding. Their life is ruined and the police normally do not do anything. Those are the type of people that need to be punished, no matter what their train of thought was. If anyone did that to me, I would retaliate the best I could. You ruin my life, I'll ruin yours. You do not do that to people and get away with it no matter if the law wants to get involved. The only time the FBI got involved was when one of the offenders dressed up like ISIS. Does that mean I have to tell them that my attackers are terrorists to get my country to do anything if I were in danger? Technically, there fit the definition of "terrorist" better than ISIS. They threaten and instill fear within our own borders.

He Was a She, See?

Depression had me by the cojones yesterday but I am feeling a lot better today. I have a ton to do. Aside from the errands I have to run around 9am, I am going to focus on writing this morning. A good amount of ideas came to me yesterday and I feel less overwhelmed. Here's hoping I get a lot of writing done today.

Sometimes when I wake up, I grab the laptop to get started on work or watch some videos while I sip my coffee and eat breakfast. Somehow I ended up watching videos by trans YouTubers, one of them being Julie Reads Mean Comments by PrincessJoules. Based off of Jimmy Kimmel's Celebrities Read Mean Tweets (which I love), she reads the mean things people have tweeted to her. The biggest difference is most of them are death threats about her being trans and not who she is. I do not condone mean tweets to anyone but at least the mean tweets at celebrities can be witty and reflect them as a person and not their gender identification. Here is the link. I think everyone should watch it (NSFW although she bleeps out a lot) because it gives a great look at how hateful people are toward trans people. Another important difference is people actually DO these things to trans people. They hurt them, they maim them, they kill them. Food for thought.

When I first met someone who was transgender, I was in college and the concept of her frightened me. But I never said a mean word to her. She was very huggy and I would not hug her, explaining that I had to get used to the idea and I had never met a trans person before. She understood completely. By the end of the year, we were always hugging. Just because something is new and scared of the concept does not give you the right to lash out. It is okay if you are not comfortable with something. I am not comfortable around evangelical Christians but I do not lash out at them because of their religion. I will call them out on something they said. Transgenderism is a concept that recently caught the public eye and is steadily normalizing. Our culture used to see it as something whoreish and deceitful. Like race, we need to change the misconceptions that come with gender identity.

I never realized that I had so much to say about the topic. It makes me wonder if I could write an essay about my experiences. If anything, I will try to continue with the topic in my next post. I think I have written enough for now.

A Weekend of Surprises

My friend Sam had two extra tickets to Six Flags so we went yesterday. We had not been to an amusement park in over seven years. Our honeymoon was the last time. Mikey made us a half hour late, ran a stop sign, and nearly got us into a major accident. I was livid at him when we arrived. I told the parking attendants and Sam what he did. They had a good laugh and we were soon having the time of our lives on The Mind Eraser and ROAR. I have had pictures of those two rollercoasters as the wallpaper on the laptop and my desktop to motivate me to work hard. We got to ride everything we wanted although the line for Batwing was not really worth it. It is not one of my favorites. Unfortunately, a cold front came in and we were not able to go to the waterpark.

They had two new rollercoasters that I had never ridden. The Ragin' Cajun made me dizzy. At first, you do not spin around but by the middle of the ride, you are flying through spins. If I had eaten before that one, I think I would have gotten sick. Apocalypse is a standup twister. I do not think it was as good as Shockwave but better than Mantis. I rode it three times because I could. The third time it bumped me around more than usual. After one more go on the Mind Eraser I was ready to head back home. I felt hungover on the ride home but it was worth it. The entire time I was on a ride, I was going nuts because I felt ten years younger. I had no responsibilities, no stress, and no real rules.

We still plan to go to Kings Dominion next month for Fright Fest.



When we got home, Magdalene had a little surprise for us. It is an ootheca, an eggsac. I do not know if it is fertilized (I doubt it since we have had her at least a week) but it is still a cool thing to see. When she passes, I will take the ootheca outside where it will be safe and it can hatch in spring.

When I Was Your Age

 It did not take long for the religious zealots of the internet to piss me off. Let me just say this: If you do not know a lick about poverty or sociology, keep your mouth shut and stop voting. Instead, pick up a peer reviewed journal on the subject and start reading. When you know enough about the issues you are spouting on about, then open your mouth and pick up a ballot. It was not just easy to do in your day, it was possible. I am trying to not let it ruin my day but when the older generation says the most ignorant things towards me, it gets me riled up. Is this a taste of what it is like to be black?

Speaking of ballot, an old acquaintance was talking about all the terrible candidates running for mayor for Baltimore. I have decided to put my name on the ballot for fun. I know I will not win but I will still try my best. I just want to see if so many people are sick of the old rich candidates, how about a young poor one?

Today was a lazy day and we are expected to move the couch out to the curb tonight. Finally that nasty thing will be gone.

Song of Storms

Today went much better despite getting rained on when I got out of Petsmart with Khaleesi. I bought some more crickets for Magdalene and she did not try to run when I poured them in. I edited some video that I took of her:



It is slightly storming outside right now, sort of soothing. I am done going outside for the day anyway but it might mess up my internet connection. Our internet provider that was once a saint because it meant we did not have to go back to a monopoly, is going out of business. The company who bought them is not continuing internet service although it would probably be the best business move they could ever make. So we will have to use Verizon since it is cheaper for longer. When the deal runs out, we will think about switching again. Our home insurance does not want to cover the branch that fell in our yard because it did not damage anything so our next step is calling around for quotes. The only one I have is $600-$800. I will send pictures to other companies and see if they can give me a quote without coming out. The last thing I want to do is to watch a guy look at a tree while Khaleesi barks desperately to meet the new human.

Tomorrow is Another Day

I did not sleep at all last night due to the stress and tension all over my body. I took some Ibuprofen in the middle of the night but it did not do anything to relieve it all. It used to. I need to get into having a cup of herbal tea at night. I did that a few days ago and it worked wonders. So today I am angry as anything. Sibey is still pooping on the couch and I am not sure who can help me move it to get it to the curb for bulk pick-up.

Hours later...

I just ate a huge pile of nachos are sugar cookies. My life is in shambles. I thought I might have to throw up but I am good now. I walked Khaleesi and took a nap. Not a productive day today but that is okay. Tomorrow is another day.

With Infinite Glee, It's Going to Be Me...

Where to start? Today was extremely productive but also exhausting. My engine is still running but sputtering. Laundry is in the washer and dryer and I am currently in a D&D session with Mikey, my brother, a friend, and his two friends (who I would consider friends too I guess. I'm bugger lonely). I am in a great mood though ready for bed. I took a die hard nap for 45 minutes before Mikey got home. 9pm is going to be my limit tonight so I can shower, make my list for tomorrow, and konk out.

I spent a lot of the day running errands and bringing Branch, the cat that was stuck up the tree, back to his owner. I put my finger in his carrier to calm him and he accidentally scratched me super hard. Poor baby was so scared traversing 2 highways but he is home safe. The owner has my email if Branch (whose real name is Danielle) gets out again. After that I ran to the bank to deposit the cash for MAGfest and a few other twenties I had, and then went to the store and bought some healthy food for the week. Cereal was the first thing I picked up. I missed the days where I could just down a bowl really quick for lunch or dinner and get back to work. Cereal also makes fantastic dessert with less of the guilt.

Biggest news that I cannot believe it took me two more days to type up: We captured a mantis! An adult female! I cannot get good pictures of her with my phone so here is a stock photo of what she looks like. Just add more of a pissed off look. I got plenty of video of her with Mikey's phone but snapping a quick photo with it is tedious for me. We were walking the dogs down the street. She was sitting on the fence and I nearly brushed up against her before I noticed. She startled me more than anything but my fear level was about a 5. She is more of an "icky creepy crawly" to me so the phobia might almost be gone. Her name is Magdalene since we found her on Sunday and she is a PRAYING mantis, get it? That and she is misunderstood and judged unfairly. I often see these poor guys squished on the sidewalk. She'll have a long and happy life with us as long as the cats and I do not pester her too much.

Expecting A Lot

It has been more than a year and a half since Justin killed himself and I am still having dreams about it. Last night's was one of the worst ones but I feel like I have had it before now that I think about it. Justin was visiting me and I knew he was going to kill himself. I was trying and saying everything in my power to stop him and convince him otherwise but he was not having it. It was like a rational decision and he was trying to get me off of him. Do you ever wake up from a bad dream, try to get your bearings and distinguish what is real and what else was a dream? Reassure yourself that whatever bad thing happened in your nightmare is far from reality? I woke up to a reality that was worse than my dream. What's worse is I can only think of his wife after these dreams. She was with him when it happened. It takes true strength to carry on after that kind of trauma. I only hope I can borrow that strength at my lowest points.

Tomorrow, there will not be an entry since I will be down in Prince Frederick with my parents and in-laws to celebrate Labor Day. Dad asked me not to bring the dogs because my aunt is scared Khaleesi will scare the cats away forever. I did not argue but I felt bad leaving them with my in-laws, then I learned that my in-laws are coming to the party. That is awesome but I wish I had known that before. My parents suck at making plans. Eric had not heard about the cookout so he is not going. Mikey has some items to give our niece and we do not know if she is going to be there. We can always leave them with my parents. Part of me wants to get my rose tattoo transferred while I am down there. We will see what the weekend holds but I do not think Red Octopus is open on Sundays anyway.

So I guess I will leave my readers with a couple items of good news: My brother got a new job that pays well and although where he is there is no room for growth, he is getting experience in a good field. Second of all, and biggest of all, my cousin Becky is 13 weeks pregnant. It sunk in a few weeks ago because early pregnancies can be very touch and go. I am excited to hear about the sex as soon as possible so I can buy some baby stuff.

Slide the Train Back On

I feel like my brain had an orgasm that it did not get to enjoy. It is tired and cannot do any more creatively right now, but it does not feel satisfied. I listened to classical music and wrote a short essay on listening to one's favorite instrument as part of daily therapy. With the feeling of my brain going to mush, I thought it might be a good idea for me to try to write something therapeutic for those who have no help in dealing with their mental illness. I have a lot of advice to give an self-help/inspirational books seem to be popular. Writing out good advice that I follow myself usually makes me feel good not only because I am helping others but because it reminds me to follow that advice and I have an outlet. When I talked at Justin's memorial services, people would come up to me and tell me how my stories impacted them. Like any writer, I guess my pain and insanity can pay my bills. I do have some students loans from some useless undergraduate credits.

Another representative from Kaiser called me yesterday because they got a letter from the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. They wanted to make sure everything was okay and if we could get the matter resolved. I was not in any mood to retell my entire story and listen to her. The fact that the behavioral health office now answers their phone baffles me. I swear on my work that they never answered the phone before. There is still the matter of never being able to get an appointment, but like I said I was not in the mood to talk to her about it. But I still did and I feel like I was quite dismissive, like "you deal with it" sort of mood. I have too much on my plate dealing with my own problems right now and freaking out to repeat for the hundredth time how Kaiser's treated me and hear you apologize over and over again. Don't apologize, fix it. Fresh start? Yeah? Okay then. Now go away.

On a more positive note, somehow yesterday I managed to re-edit the LPs that were messed up and get back on track for editing the footage we have. That project was looming over me like a potential heart attack. It was causing me anxiety just thinking about it. However, I did a lot yesterday and had a ton of extra time, so I just went headstrong into it. If I could not do anything with it, it was okay because it was a productive day all around. No less than three more hours of footage to edit but at least I am back on track for it. That makes me feel content.

MAGfest 2016: Starting to Prepare, Failing.

The Gaylord Resort filled up in about 24 hours and we were not able to score a room. I had to secure a room at another hotel and I have to call every day to check for openings. The sucky part is the rooms are full only for Friday and Saturday which is when the Game Grumps and JonTron will be there. If you are going to the con, stay for the whole time or bunk with other people. Do not take up rooms if you are only staying for half of the con. I had a dream last night that I snagged an opening. Waking up and realizing I had not filled me with dread and stress. This morning I was so stressed I was sick. It has since calmed down and I have gotten a good amount done. I have to look up. Think positive. Kick ass if I have to.

At least we will get a group discount with Sam, Tom, and his friends: $10 off each person. Someone else is handling the registration though so I have little control over when it gets done. I have to trust that it will get done but the Gaylord filling up so fast has made me paranoid. Another bonus is that I feel semi-confident in making Mikey's costume. Most of it is just a toga wrap and wrapping purple fabric as a cape. The hat might take a little creative thinking. Mikey can help me with that. Maybe pipe cleaners as a base, just have to make sure they stay secure and can hold the fabric. Other than that, I just need a sword, boots, white sweatpants, and his accessories. I need to robe and boots for my costume but that is it.

Making Things Better

It took all morning to get my medications in order, but I finally got them. I bought an AM/PM pill holder to put some spares in so I will not completely run out when the bottle is empty. It will make things easier for both parties.

Someone from Kaiser called me while I was in Giant to talk to me about my experiences. She sounded like she really wanted to make an effort to make things better. Apparently, there is going to be a psychiatrist at the Towson location soon. That should make things easier. I did not inquire about a therapist. The only thing I could focus on was getting my medication that day. I asked her to email me all the information. Despite all the trouble, I did get a good amount done today and I am pretty ready for tomorrow. Let us see what it brings.