Back to the Real World

From what I can tell, I might still have a cough and it has been keeping me up for the past two nights. It might have been allergies and the vacuuming I did today might help. It ends up being a tickle in the back corner of my throat that will not go away until I drink water, have a cough drop, and wait it out. We will see what happens tonight. I did not go to the gym today because I still had a bit of that cold lingering in my body but I promise I will go tomorrow.

At least my schedule is back to normal and I have mostly caught up with my house chores. I was incapacitated for less than two days and the house turned into a mess. This is why it is so hard for me to take a sick day and when I need a mental health day, I feel like a waste of space. I need to let myself be flawed and have bad days. It is going to happen and there is little I can do to prevent them besides eat well, exercise, and keep up with the rest of my mental health maintenance.

Also, I cut my hair this evening but forgot to thin it out. It was filthy when I did it but it turned out better than expected. Now it is so much easier to wash my hair and it is not touching my collar or the back of my neck. I want to dye it but my MAGfest costume prevents me from doing so. I need blonde short hair. I also need to lose some weight to fit into my costume. Not too much like I would need a miracle, just enough to get back on track of losing the weight. I can spend more time at the Y when I do not have a ton of clients. For now, the workout in the gym area will be fine with the occasional sauna and swim, maybe on weekends.

Speaking of weekends, this weekend I plan on going around the neighborhood and cleaning up garbage since I missed the beautification day a few weeks ago. We were out and about getting our eyes checked and running important errands. I forgot about it and I feel bad. If I am going to be mayor, I need to be involved in this type of thing and show my support for my neighborhood, despite the meanies who do not like Khaleesi or me.

One True Sick Day

At first, I thought I had allergies but now I am sure this is a cold. But I had to hold up through the weekend because I had work to do, parties to attend, and got tickets to the Ravens game at the last minute. That game was an all-day affair and we had to climb four floors of ramps and stairs. These are stadium floors two, so about twice the size of normal floors. Against all odds, the Ravens beat the Chargers. I was too weak to finish my last assignment, due today. Mikey woke me up at 5am and I worked through it. Afterward, I just laid in bed until 11 only to get up to take Khaleesi for a walk and to have some soup. I also slipped and fell on the stairs, giving my left leg a good bump and breaking the handles off of my and Mikey's favorite mugs. I am forever grateful that it was just the handles. There is a lot of swelling on my leg but not too much pain. I am feeling some better but I still have more recovering to do. I just hope it does not go into my chest. I want to be able to taste again.

Someone put together a Bob Ross stream on Twitch. It is soothing to the core, especially now since I am sick and stressed out. I was never a fan of Bob Ross when I was young. I thought he was boring, but as an adult he is a great inspiration for any artist. It is like opening a time capsule and comparing 20-30 year difference. I am thinking of playing the channel as I work and see if it increases my productivity. That will have to wait until tomorrow at least.

Tomorrow is going to be a doozy of a day. Before I was sick, I had a minor depression so I have not been at my best in awhile. Going back to the Y will hopefully not release more toxins hiding in my body and will put me on the road to happy recovery.

The Old and the Lonely

I cannot catch a break. All I wanted was a picture of an old dog. What I got were several pictures of old dogs being left at the pound and captions of them begging not to be left behind. My fragile mind cannot take that sort of thing because I have seen people do it in real life. The rescue gets mostly cats but some dogs that have aged too much for their owners who want a new puppy. It is common for people to adopt a kitten or puppy and then return them once they are bigger.

Of course this is a terrible practice. When it comes to how we treat animals, I comment that we would never do that to a human. In this case, we do. Millions of our elderly are in nursing homes where no one comes to see them and they simply fade away to the family. Nursing homes can be terrible places like mental institutions decades ago. I applied to a few for administrative assistant and program manager. It was terrible how little people interacted with the patients and how much they were talking to each other behind the counter.

I joke with my parents that we decide what home they go to, but the idea of doing that just because they are old makes me sick. We had to put both of my grandmothers in a nursing home less than a month before they died because we did not have the resources to care for them.  It was not something we wanted to do and we came to see them whenever we could.

When people become old, fragile, and as helpless as an animal, I think that is when I care more about them. I have never been into respecting my elders just because they were old, especially if they think they can get away with something since they are old. Yet how can someone take their parents, those who have cared for them when they were helpless, turn around and abandon them at their greatest time of need? I do not have the best relationship with my parents but they did their job. No matter how they are as old people, I am going to do what I need to when they need me in their old age. Even if that means dealing with their religious beliefs and helping them find their false teeth.

Joe-A-Quin

Hurricane Joaquin decided not to come near us but he had a good impact on the weather. It has been cold the past few days and I did not feel like turning on the heat so we struggled through it. My ankles were screaming and my legs felt like they were going to melt. It is hard to get exercise when you cannot go outside and have Seasonal Affected Disorder. Khaleesi could not go out for her regular walk for almost a week. She took it out on our luxury mattress pad. We had to sleep on a hard mattress for two days but it was not as bad as I thought it would be. The cold was what kept me up. I had to get up in the middle of the night, pull out one of the quilts from under the bed (and broke the bag it was in), slide it onto the bed without hitting Mikey somewhere painful, and then hop in the tub to warm myself up. Have you ever been so cold you felt like you were getting sick? I do not get cold easily either. I am a winter girl and proud of it.

When I went out to replace the mattress pad, I also bought a cheap space heater, some new slippers (mine are at least 15 years old), new seat covers for the car (the other ones disintegrated),  and a low-flow washer for the shower. The old holder for the shower head must have had one built in. We get blasted with water when we take a shower and I hate to think of what our water bill is going to look like. The cold spell should be over by tomorrow or Tuesday and the space heater I bought is serving us just fine. The only time Khaleesi and Siberia get along is when there is a space heater involved. They will lay right next to each other in front of it, leaving me freezing right behind them while I work. That's pets for you.

This week was supposed to be about diet and exercise but by some random chance clients decided to hail me. Considering how little I did last week, I need to make up for everything. I am feeling a ton better though since I have something to look forward to (Kings Dominion) and some hope for some of my writing.

A Worst Threat Than ISIS

I was too emotionally drained and distracted to make a post yesterday. Mikey had off yesterday and today so we had to share office space. I need to get more done but luckily we do not have to leave for our in laws until about 3pm. I might not even talk to Mikey until then so I can get all my paperwork and writing done.

We let Magdalene go but I was able to pet the back of her before going inside. She was out of sight within a few hours. Bye bye Maggie, you fiesty bi-yotch.

I should start doing "Teen Mom" posts on Fridays since I watch the show so adamantly. I do not get to see it until Friday mid morning though since I do not have cable so MTV has to upload it. Even then the video might not load well depending on our internet that day. It gives me time to read the comments, most of which are so ignorant it is hilarious. It is sad that reality show stars get so much money for their appearances but I can laugh and point at the trash in the comments who do not get paid anything. They gain nothing from their ignorance and troll behavior.

Speaking of troll behavior, I wrote a comment on a YouTuber's video whom I knew had a shitty subscriber base. It was a nice comment and I still got someone calling me a fatass wasting my life. People online suck sometimes. Mikey and I were watching a video series (this is one of the reasons I was so emotionally drained) on why trolls are the way they are and Gamergate type people. Usually I would say that understanding them is the key to solving an issue, but Gamergate and other anti-feminism in video games movements involve death threats and harassment to the point where the victim has to go into hiding. Their life is ruined and the police normally do not do anything. Those are the type of people that need to be punished, no matter what their train of thought was. If anyone did that to me, I would retaliate the best I could. You ruin my life, I'll ruin yours. You do not do that to people and get away with it no matter if the law wants to get involved. The only time the FBI got involved was when one of the offenders dressed up like ISIS. Does that mean I have to tell them that my attackers are terrorists to get my country to do anything if I were in danger? Technically, there fit the definition of "terrorist" better than ISIS. They threaten and instill fear within our own borders.

Expecting A Lot

It has been more than a year and a half since Justin killed himself and I am still having dreams about it. Last night's was one of the worst ones but I feel like I have had it before now that I think about it. Justin was visiting me and I knew he was going to kill himself. I was trying and saying everything in my power to stop him and convince him otherwise but he was not having it. It was like a rational decision and he was trying to get me off of him. Do you ever wake up from a bad dream, try to get your bearings and distinguish what is real and what else was a dream? Reassure yourself that whatever bad thing happened in your nightmare is far from reality? I woke up to a reality that was worse than my dream. What's worse is I can only think of his wife after these dreams. She was with him when it happened. It takes true strength to carry on after that kind of trauma. I only hope I can borrow that strength at my lowest points.

Tomorrow, there will not be an entry since I will be down in Prince Frederick with my parents and in-laws to celebrate Labor Day. Dad asked me not to bring the dogs because my aunt is scared Khaleesi will scare the cats away forever. I did not argue but I felt bad leaving them with my in-laws, then I learned that my in-laws are coming to the party. That is awesome but I wish I had known that before. My parents suck at making plans. Eric had not heard about the cookout so he is not going. Mikey has some items to give our niece and we do not know if she is going to be there. We can always leave them with my parents. Part of me wants to get my rose tattoo transferred while I am down there. We will see what the weekend holds but I do not think Red Octopus is open on Sundays anyway.

So I guess I will leave my readers with a couple items of good news: My brother got a new job that pays well and although where he is there is no room for growth, he is getting experience in a good field. Second of all, and biggest of all, my cousin Becky is 13 weeks pregnant. It sunk in a few weeks ago because early pregnancies can be very touch and go. I am excited to hear about the sex as soon as possible so I can buy some baby stuff.

Slide the Train Back On

I feel like my brain had an orgasm that it did not get to enjoy. It is tired and cannot do any more creatively right now, but it does not feel satisfied. I listened to classical music and wrote a short essay on listening to one's favorite instrument as part of daily therapy. With the feeling of my brain going to mush, I thought it might be a good idea for me to try to write something therapeutic for those who have no help in dealing with their mental illness. I have a lot of advice to give an self-help/inspirational books seem to be popular. Writing out good advice that I follow myself usually makes me feel good not only because I am helping others but because it reminds me to follow that advice and I have an outlet. When I talked at Justin's memorial services, people would come up to me and tell me how my stories impacted them. Like any writer, I guess my pain and insanity can pay my bills. I do have some students loans from some useless undergraduate credits.

Another representative from Kaiser called me yesterday because they got a letter from the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. They wanted to make sure everything was okay and if we could get the matter resolved. I was not in any mood to retell my entire story and listen to her. The fact that the behavioral health office now answers their phone baffles me. I swear on my work that they never answered the phone before. There is still the matter of never being able to get an appointment, but like I said I was not in the mood to talk to her about it. But I still did and I feel like I was quite dismissive, like "you deal with it" sort of mood. I have too much on my plate dealing with my own problems right now and freaking out to repeat for the hundredth time how Kaiser's treated me and hear you apologize over and over again. Don't apologize, fix it. Fresh start? Yeah? Okay then. Now go away.

On a more positive note, somehow yesterday I managed to re-edit the LPs that were messed up and get back on track for editing the footage we have. That project was looming over me like a potential heart attack. It was causing me anxiety just thinking about it. However, I did a lot yesterday and had a ton of extra time, so I just went headstrong into it. If I could not do anything with it, it was okay because it was a productive day all around. No less than three more hours of footage to edit but at least I am back on track for it. That makes me feel content.

A Week in Review: New Ink!

With all the drama that went on with my neighbors and preparing to do some major socializing with the family that weekend, Mikey and I decided that we would get our long awaited tattoos. Screw finances, we deserved this. Before we left for the weekend to go back to our hometown, we gathered the images we would need to show the artists. My tattoo was going to be a memorial tattoo to Justin. Mikey had always wanted the last panel of Calvin and Hobbes' final strip. Calvin and Hobbes are on a sled going down a hill with a speech bubble saying "Let's go exploring!"

Mikey's parents went ape when we told them we were getting tattoos after my aunt's birthday party. They basically said if we wanted a good job, we cannot have tattoos, especially mine because it is on my forearm. Though it not be written down, let it be known that my father in law has a tattoo on his bicep that he got shortly before retiring. His mother just went nuts though about tattoos in general. When I got the rose on my shoulder blade (which I will eventually have transferred to my other forearm), she showed me all kinds of articles on how nasty tattoos are. I just smiled and laughed a little. They should know by now that I am going to do what I am going to do. I love my job at home and at 28 I am pretty sure I will never work for another person who cares that I have a tattoo again. Justin meant almost as much to me as Mikey does. He said if someone were to get a tattoo, it should be somewhere people can see it and he put his hand on his forearm, so that is where I got my tattoo. That and I have been craving more ink since I got my first one eight years ago.

We waited three hours to get done since we were walk-ins. They had an appointment available but it was during my aunt's party. They had to close super late since people just kept coming in right before they closed. Red Octopus is always busy since they are a Prince Frederick staple. They do a lot more of what you would stereotypically consider a tattoo if you did not know much about them (skulls, devil hearts, knives with angel wings, rockabilly) but they do great work and the artists are super nice when it is your first time. Duffy is now on Ink Master! Super sweet! I love getting tatted there because it fits well with where I grew up. we're a bunch of rebel hillbillies. There was a tattoo shop further north on route 4 called Eternal Buzz but they ended up being mostly a drug house. My friend Kara got a tattoo there and they botched it. Now there is another place on the hill called Battle Scars and Beauty Marx. You need an appointment to get a tattoo there, so now we have both kinds of awesome tattoo parlors! I will probably end up getting my Pyramid Head tattoo there if I do not get it up here in Baltimore.

Original concept

Final result. I let the artist take liberties on a few things since I am not visual artistically inclined. It was Mikey's idea to put the rose laying on top of the brim and it was her (Julie) idea to put some light blue around the hat to make the colors pop against my skin. She was using my Wario hat as a guide so I had to tell her that the W on Justin's hat was purple and not blue. All the while I was trying to talk to her about Justin. I thought I would tear up talking about him but I barely could. This tattoo stung more than I anticipated. It was not that bad but being tired and my forearm being evil (it swelled a good amount), it was a bit intense at times. It made me laugh because that's just how I deal with pain. Laughing is one of the best ways I have found to handle pain.

Mikey went back before me since his was just copying an image whereas the artist had to draw mine. Poor thing, we teased him about it being his first time; the other customers and some of the artists. The guy tattooing next to them said that Clark (Mikey's artist) was gentle with first-timers whereas he was called "The Butcher". I think the artist he got was awesome though because he loved Calvin and Hobbes though and was happy to do a tattoo of the comic. Mikey's tattoo also took more time than mine and I had to wait for him. It turned out amazing though. I do not know who loves it more, Mikey or me. Kinda sad that I did not hear any screaming.