Slide the Train Back On

I feel like my brain had an orgasm that it did not get to enjoy. It is tired and cannot do any more creatively right now, but it does not feel satisfied. I listened to classical music and wrote a short essay on listening to one's favorite instrument as part of daily therapy. With the feeling of my brain going to mush, I thought it might be a good idea for me to try to write something therapeutic for those who have no help in dealing with their mental illness. I have a lot of advice to give an self-help/inspirational books seem to be popular. Writing out good advice that I follow myself usually makes me feel good not only because I am helping others but because it reminds me to follow that advice and I have an outlet. When I talked at Justin's memorial services, people would come up to me and tell me how my stories impacted them. Like any writer, I guess my pain and insanity can pay my bills. I do have some students loans from some useless undergraduate credits.

Another representative from Kaiser called me yesterday because they got a letter from the Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. They wanted to make sure everything was okay and if we could get the matter resolved. I was not in any mood to retell my entire story and listen to her. The fact that the behavioral health office now answers their phone baffles me. I swear on my work that they never answered the phone before. There is still the matter of never being able to get an appointment, but like I said I was not in the mood to talk to her about it. But I still did and I feel like I was quite dismissive, like "you deal with it" sort of mood. I have too much on my plate dealing with my own problems right now and freaking out to repeat for the hundredth time how Kaiser's treated me and hear you apologize over and over again. Don't apologize, fix it. Fresh start? Yeah? Okay then. Now go away.

On a more positive note, somehow yesterday I managed to re-edit the LPs that were messed up and get back on track for editing the footage we have. That project was looming over me like a potential heart attack. It was causing me anxiety just thinking about it. However, I did a lot yesterday and had a ton of extra time, so I just went headstrong into it. If I could not do anything with it, it was okay because it was a productive day all around. No less than three more hours of footage to edit but at least I am back on track for it. That makes me feel content.